Tuesday, September 01, 2009

confusions...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
I need to find out what i need out of life. I've spent way too many days making the "right" decisions and not thinking about what i want. Hiding my feelings away and walking the lines. I've gone from making all my decisions based on how things should be and whats right for everyone else, to pretending i dont care what people think, to thinking everyone would think i was a bitch if i made a decison in my own favor...

So, ive made some progress, i have gotten rid of the friends who were fake used me... realized i can count my friends on one hand. That would be fine with me if i was truely close to any of them. I'm lonely and its really my own fault.

I was going to go to college and b a business owner preferablely a bookstore/cafe combo. Along comes starbucks and borders and arabica, I watch mary and joe struggling to keep their business everyday,I think its not all its cracked up to be. Especially with my anxiety.
I'll still do it but by the time i do we all will be carrying around Kindles an caffiene will be outlawed...

So im trying to reflect on what i want out of life. I know i love to learn, I was thinking of being a college professor- i don't even know if that is reasonable.
I know that i hate the impersonality and fakeness of customer service. I just don't have a the personality to carry on fake ass conversations. If you're going to complain about your money issues after you just got back from three weeks in LA, i want permission to tell you you are ridiculous before i go eat my ramen noodles.

I realized that all my ideas of sucess based on financial security and intellect doesn't amount to a hill of beans if i don't have someone to share it with. I realized that even tho the way i was raised was completely logical, logic isn't necessarily something to live for. Emotions should be respected and acknowledged not always pushed aside for the cold hard facts, because the facts are meaningless without choices.

So far in my journey i've found that learning and loving are two things that are very important to me... They are so general, i like learning everything and loving applies to every last person around me. I've learned that my job shouldn't be my identity, and even though i love to learn, my grades aren't either. The last one is the hardest- i am not what the people closest to me think i am, if they get angry at me its not a personal failure. lol, i've found out more about what i shouldn't be than what i am....

Lastly, one more important note... its obvious but i'll keep it simple
he used to get soo mad when i let other peoples feelings influence how i decided things, like the only thing that mattered in the world was what I thought personally, and now he wants to muzzle me? That kinda hurts...

Im really in too much of a introspective mood to be put out by any of this...

its funny, like im looking at someone elses life. Sorry if anybody actually reads this, i couldn't find my journal so its here. In my head these were coherent thoughts....