Wednesday, October 26, 2005

AAAAAGGGG*Goes to bed*
Current mood: morose
DAMMIT!! I had a long post all typed out and deleted it... Probably for the better. It was pathetic anyway... I'll sum it up in five words or phrases. I hate pity/feel Damaged/Love hurts/pissed off/retreat. BLOODY HELL this room is freezing. I'm going to bed before I think/say/type anything else to brood over or regret. Basically, today was hell from probably 6am to 11:45pm with about two intermittent rays of sunshine...

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i wish i had the sense to just keep mine deleted when i did mine last night, cuz i did delete it somehow, just re-wrote it...email me what you meant to type out or even post it on a blog, or send me a voice mail tonight, because i need to know more than what those five words mean, i can guess a general meaning but is it because of how my blog was last night? if so im really sorry i posted that.. its kind of like an escape, like banks uses it to cool off, i think it helped me out, so dont take them as my overall mood on how i view things.. sometimes ill be down, sometimes ill be happy... if thats why you had a more negative day yesterday, dont let it be like that...if its becuz of your dad... or school... or idk something else, or me in general, i need to know... if its your dad... he may never come around it seems like that much is a possibility... and that means you have to think really hard on whether that affects your being able to date me, i mean if he never approved would you tell him your going to date me anyways, possibly have to move out, i know i wouldnt be able to talk to him much, but it shouldn't cut off your relationship with him, it may at first, but every parent-child's relationship is somewhat cut off when you move out or what not.. when you find a path you begin to walk and they aren't a sole dependant on it...if it's school, its your last year even if your maths lacking it'll only be for this quarter, and thats your only bad grade besides a c in spanish, which your gonna bring up next quarter as well... so dont let that get you down... if it's something else you'll just have to let me know... theres more rays of sunshine you saw yesterday, you just cant let the darkness from cloudy days swallow it up... i mean for one thing you got tuition good and payed for till december! thats a big relief for you, another thing is we worked together lastnight right? isnt some seeing of me better thannone? that is how i feel, i mean if we didnt work at the same place then our relationship would be so much harder, it'd almost be a long distance one, but it's not like that... next week you switched with emily, so we're gonna see each other every day we work, another big ray is your going to the steakfry saturday, and we'll find som1 to switch if i have to trade my left foot! and no matter what your dad says, whether mom had to force him to say yes, or wether he says oh its not a date, screw him right? it's the exact same day as if he said otherwise... if hes not going to approve of me now, or never will, he may say stuff to make the day and time we have together less special, but Jamie, its the same day, your coming, im coming, theres going to be food, people, dancing at the recption thing, we're going to have fun! no matter what your dad says, and hey i still see it as a date... let that be our only date for three months, but its better than none righT? and hey soon your gettin a cell phone right? your dad'll have no reign over your cellphone, only your minutes will, and as long as vanessa(if you chose to give her your cell #) isnt callig uou 24/7 every time you get the chance to you can call me... i suggest getting free weekends because you know how long the weekend is... thats 72 hours we can talk straight, for free :P... also along with your aunt payin for tuition, your gonna get your drivers liscense! thats so awesome! and today your ordering contacts... you may even want to go up there and get your temps today as well, you've got all these good things happening right now, dont let your dad spoil it for you, or my bad mood spoil you... remember when i said i was probably getting my hopes up then dropped, so thats why i'd be mad or down? thats what happened last night, i figured that he would be changing so much i put my hopes into it that after the paper route he would size up better, thats why i was down yesterday, and im so sorry if i let that ruin your good day, ill try my best to keep happy from now on, so you keep happy too, this might require alot of ignoring your dad's grumbling, but who wants to hear that anyway right? :P Jamie I love you! and i am confident that i mean forever wether its one more month, 2, a year, forever, that i'll love you and cherish the time we have together, keeping us together and still loving each other is something that i know we can do, and my bet is on that we will i stake my life on that(and dont worry not in a death kind of way), i mean my future, the world, not that we could have, but we will have together.. and i look forward to spending it with you... I love you sooo much and you deserve a giant uber big bear hug! watch your back at sams club, because i may be doing just that ;)

always your Jason

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Hmm, what did all of those words mean? "I don't want pity"- just that, I was pissed at fakeness in general. I hate it when people say their sorry for your situation and yet it's like being sorry for starving kids in africa. What do they DO to help. Shed a tear and shrug... "Feel damaged" -my family... the most important thing I ever had has fallen apart. Mom's gone, dad is AWOL for now and I feel more like a mother than a sister to Amber. "Love Hurts"- it does, but it heals too. I just was recognizing again that no one can affect you more, sometimes hurt you more than the person you love. NOT that you necessarily hurt me but when you are down, its really, really hard to look up... "Pissed Off"- my reaction to the whole world that night, I didn't want to have to take anything. "Retreat"-I want/ed to hide and not deal with anything anymore. It's so hard I just wish I could blow off work, school, people and everything and just take off somewhere so no one could disturb me. Anywho, that's what the words meant... But I was really down so just disregard all of that. I Love You, Jason!(You get 2 kudos;) Yours always, Jamie.